How ridiculous

You might have seen this in St James’s Square, SW1.

It had never occurred to me that my stationary and unattended bicycle might pose such a threat to the general public.

With this in mind, I have started to brainstorm a few other signs that I feel ought to be displayed around London, for our own safety.

Black cab drivers can cause psychological trauma to cycle couriers and will be removed without notice.

More children are hit by cars every year than are abducted by paedophiles. If you have a car, please avoid driving it in any area where children may be present.

Around 10 London cyclists are killed by HGVs every year. All HGVs seen in central London will be immobilized and impounded.

Poor air quality is the cause of more than 4,000 premature deaths in London every year. Cars and other vehicles found polluting the air will be confiscated without notice.

On Monday, Jack from Fullcity had his shoulder dislocated by a pedestrian who crossed the road without looking, and then ran away without stopping to check he was alright. If you are a pedestrian, please refrain from walking. Failure to do so may result in your arrest and prosecution.

Or am I being ridiculous?

I am, aren’t I? After all, bicycles are far more of a danger to human safety than cabbies, cars, HGVs, pollution and careless pedestrians.

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12 Responses to “How ridiculous”

  1. To Messenger Says:

    I’ve always wanted to get a signed made saying
    “ANY RAILINGS ATTACHED TO THIS BICYCLE WILL BE REMOVED WITHOUT NOTICE”

  2. Loving the Bike Says:

    I can’t believe there is a sign like that out there. Weird.

    Darryl

  3. thatmessengerchick Says:

    If I ever have a house with railings outside, I will put up a sign saying ‘Cyclists are welcome to lock their bikes here for as long as they like’.

  4. James Says:

    sounds like the proper inspiration for a b movie where locked up bikes attack people.

    we can call it “bikes!” and it shall make us all know and understand the fear that should be in our hearts when we see these made-to-be-mobile devices not be mobile.

    it can end with bikes dragging people to the middle of the streets and roll over them until their owners take em back and ride away.

  5. Brice Bedos Says:

    Haha! I don’t know if any of you remember this from 2000 but it caused quite a stir and had me in stitches. Not to be confused with the 1970s porn film “Behind the green door”, what’s behind the green door? caused a lot of curiosity among cyclist offended by these signs. I think Barbie and Ken were chained there at some point, can’t quite remember but the best one was the fridge door…anyway, maybe time for a revival and fresh suggestions. Maybe you could go and check it out to see if anything is chained up there, Em..this is what I’m on about: http://www.whatshouldiputonthefence.co.uk/dining_room/04.php4

  6. Cudzoziemiec Says:

    The “injury to pedestrians” part is curious. Where are those railings? Are they on a particularly narrow and busy pavement? There are some railings outside one of the university buildings here in Bristol, right in the centre of the city and they happen to be on a rather narrow pavement. They’re not around a building but on the kerbside. There are notices saying “Please do not leave your bike here or it will be removed” but during term times you can’t read the signs for all the bikes covering them. I often walk down that pavement (it used to be our route to school) and the handlebars sticking out do get in the way at busy times. I have hit them, once – no damage to me or the bike.

    But why are those railings even there? I expect they were put up to stop people (students late for lectures?) rushing across the street in front of cars – it’s a busy road too. So another sign of the pre-eminence of motor traffic. And I’m sure we’ve all heard of cyclists being crushed against similar railings (though I’ve not heard of a case with these particular ones). The solution would be to remove the railings, making more pavement space, and provide proper bike parking nearby (it’s outside a university in Bristol “cycling city”, come on!) They could widen the pavement and take away the silly kerblet in the middle of the road while they’re at it.

    But the railings in your photo look like they’re in front of a building, so I don’t object to their existence, just to the selfish attitude of the owners.

    (Nice quill stem by the way.)

  7. davo Says:

    James, you idea is actually very similar to a movie which has just come out called “Rubber”, i highly recommend watching. Maybe they will make a sequel called “700c”.

    As for the signs – there should one made and attached to every pedestrian guilty of and reading…”this pedestrian is texting and walking while listening to an ipod and crossing the road which may cause bruised ribs and months of pain if struck.

  8. Steffan Davies Says:

    Wow. Just… wow. I note that they have used oddball “security” screws too, so perhaps you’re not the first to note the sheer batshit awfulness of the sign. My mind, meanwhile, turns unbidden to this here set of oddball “security” screwdriver bits.

  9. Jon Says:

    I want to make stickers to put on these signs which state ” translated into car-speak – when visiting this building please leave your car doors unlocked and the keys in the ignition “

  10. Cudzoziemiec Says:

    Or any combination of:
    “Please do not…
    Detract from the visual beauty and utility of this building by leaving your poorly designed, incongruent, overly large, metal vehicle in front of it.
    Inconvenience and endanger pedestrians by parking on the footway.
    Poison people in the vicinity by emitting toxic fumes into the atmosphere.
    Corrode these railings and the building they surround by emitting noxious combustion gases.
    Damage this building’s foundations and walls by causing vibrations due to the excessive weight of your vehicle.”
    etc…

  11. welshcyclist Says:

    “Sign of the times”, (do you like that?} I’m afraid, we live in a lopsided, upside down world, common sense has long ago departed to be replaced by disorganised, unthoughtout, nanny rules for grown ups who should be able to think for themselves.

  12. Susie Says:

    Astonishing. Poor pedestrians… :-/ Film surely to be called ‘When Bikes Attack’??

    The sign can be classified with the classic beloved of those in high rise estates in the 1970s: No Ball Games. Presumably, children were supposed to play nice indoor games or walk around at a sedate pace, rather than enjoy their natural exhuberance and let off a bit of steam.

    A little pity for those of us who do not live in London but in carrot cruncher territory, though. Cars are a bit more vital when your village doesn’t have a bus or a train and your nearest town may have one or other or even both, but usually on market days and holidays and return trips don’t always coincide with the dictates of schools which now consider it fair play to report parents tipping up late to collect children as a ‘child at risk’ – indeed, I gather they are required to do so, for all children under 8.

    It’s a mad world.

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